Those annoying moments of doubt

How often do those annoying moments of doubt stop you in your tracks? I feel like I run into those nasty little road blocks all the time! Whenever anyone else vents about thier moments of doubt to me I am super supportive and positive and say things like “You got this!”. Why don’t I speak to myself that way? Why do I feel this way in the first place? Why do I still feel this way after all the work I’ve been trying to do? I feel like a hyppocrite!

The other day, I was getting dressed and had to change my clothes like 6 times. Nothing looked good. My clothes seem to be either too big which is unflattering or too tight which is also unflattering or my arms looked too big or I looked bloated. I was feeling so frustrated with myself that I started to cry. I am so sick of feeling this way! I work-out 6 days a week, eat a healthy diet (though I like to have snacks here and there) and do my affirmations but somehow I still feel frustrated, like I’m letting myself down somehow.

I don’t want to complain or vent to my husband. I know how unattractive insecurity is and even though I know he loves me and supports me I still don’t like to show that type of vulnerability to him. Plus he is a super busy man working hard to support his family. He has enough things on his plate, I don’t want to add my insecurities to it.

So back to the moment of self-loathing and crying about my frustrations. I was fed up! I started looking online for ways to tweak my diet. I want, no, I NEED to take control of myself! Pull myself together! My husband walked in on my moment of “grace” and just gave me a big hug and sat down. He asked how he could help. To be perfectly honest that made me cry even harder. I explained my frustrations to him and my need to take control. He said “Look at you. What are you doing right now? You’re taking control.” He reminded me that everyone hits plateaus here and there and if what you’re doing isn’t working for you or you aren’t getting the results you want then it’s time to shake things up. Doing the same thing over and over isn’t going to give you different results. Just more of the same.

He sat down and crunched some numbers and helped me understand the science of molding the perfect body for me. He even offered to participate in the changes to our diet and exercise. He said “No more suffering alone! I am here to support you! We will do this together!” Most importantly he reminded me to make the changes out of self-love and not frustration or punishment. He reminded me that if I only focus on the end result then life will flash by and I will still feel frustrated. I need to remember to enjoy the journey, the process. Be present and celebrate the small wins. Every time he sees me workout he gives me a high-five and says good work! Every time I say no to a tasty snack he commends my act of self-control. What a man! What would I do without him?! I am incredibly lucky to have that type of support! Why didn’t I reach out and ask for it sooner? Because when you’re in a state of self-loathing you can’t think abstractly or creatively. He reminded me that I’m not alone and it’s ok to feel frustrated sometimes. He says that I go above and beyond to help others and support them, now it’s time to turn the table. Show myself support and speak to myself kindly and supportively and most of all, speak to myself in a loving way.

Ah ha! Of course I feel like I let myself down because I only give myself shit! Like an innocent child, my self has no idea why it’s being punished and picked on. A huge feeling of sympathy for my Self washed over me. I had to take a moment and apologize to my Self for being so hateful. I promised my Self that I was going to do better, that I was going to be better. I reminded my Self that there is no end point and that I am not alone. I thanked my Self for putting up with my shit and being patient, waiting for me to learn my lessons. Things that I will forever be working on.

I am sharing my struggles because they are real and I think more common than admitted. So many people out there have the same struggles. Everyone is afraid of showing vulnerabilities not only to other people but also to themselves. I am lucky as I have a loving and supporting family but not everyone has such a luxury. I want others to learn from my experiences and mistakes. To error is human. I want you to know that you are not alone! That somewhere out there, there are real people with the same struggles. What works for me may not work for you but that’s ok because you are not alone. Together we have a wealth of knowledge and experience! Together we can accomplish anything!

1 Comment

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