I’d like to take a moment to talk about the incredibly common issue of self-confidence. Everyone, and I mean everyone, goes through spells of feeling a lack in confidence with themselves. People will do crazy things for validation or attention just to feel a glimpse of confidence. I am no different.
Self-confidence is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Sure I have confidence in some of my abilities with certain tasks or sports, but I definitely have those spells of doubt too. I have even received comments from others about how they think I look so confident, that I am intimidating to approach. When I hear that my first response is to giggle and think “Wow! It’s all a façade that I hide behind. How could I seem intimidating? That just feels absurd.”
It’s a funny thing really, if I look from outside there is absolutely no reason for a lack of confidence. I am a beautiful woman who is healthy. I have raised a beautiful daughter who is too smart for her own good. I am physically active with extreme sports and hobbies that most people are afraid of. I am incredibly smart and have a wealth of knowledge within me. I am not afraid of the unknown.
So why am I so afraid to show myself to others? Why am I so afraid to remove the façade and the many layers of ego? Why do I look at myself in the mirror and wonder “am I good enough”? Where do these fears come from? When did they start? How do I fix it? How do I help others see for themselves that they too can fix it?
These are huge questions to ask yourself! And to be honest, uncomfortable questions to answer. Well, let’s start with the most difficult this time. Once that’s out of the way the rest will be easy.
Environmental programming is a huge influence on how people see themselves. Was your environment growing up welcoming and loving or toxic and challenging? There is nothing wrong with a good challenge but how was it delivered? Were the challenges encouraged for personal growth and love or were they out of fear or jealousy and over-competitiveness?
My experience will make the perfect example as I think it is quite average and common.
My parents, like everyone else, definitely have their flaws but they were very supportive. They would support anything I did, especially when it came to sports. My Dad would spend hours helping me build jumps to practice my tricks. Sure he pushed me pretty hard to do better but it was never excessive and it was always out of love. He wanted me to excel at a sport that I loved. They were at every soccer game and every ski competition even if it was out of province. I am forever grateful for their support.
Where I feel like I didn’t receive the support I was looking for was when it came to me sharing ideas that challenge the status quo. I have always challenged the system. I have always challenged the status quo and religion. I had too many questions that could not or would not be answered. My parents are statists (for lack of a better term) and so would never entertain my different thoughts and ideas. At least that’s how I felt back then when I was a “crazy, rebellious teenager”. That’s where my lack of confidence begins. Any time I had a theory that is challenging to conceptualize I felt like they would shrug me off and say that that’s not how the world works.
That’s not how the world works for whom? For them? Does that really mean that my ideas and thoughts are illegitimate? No it does not. When it came time to choose classes for university I wanted to take psychology. They laughed and asked how that would be practical. Some figures would even go as far to say that learning how the mind works is the devils work. Ha! The rebellious me has accepted the challenge. It just took me a few years to get there. Now I have been studying psychopathology and related topics for over a decade. I am launching my own business in the field and currently have clients that I work with. The icing on the cake is that not only have I made improvements with my life, I have actually helped my clients make improvements in their lives. But, I still have those little voices in my head telling me that my ideas are nonsense. They tell me that I will never succeed in this area and that I’m not good enough. These voices are inhibiting my ability to share my wealth of knowledge with the world. I am terrified to approach people I look up to and ask for interviews or conversations about these abstract topics and ideas. My husband tells me that I am ready and that I should be proud. He says it’s time so share my philosophies and that I am certainly knowledgeable enough to maintain an intelligent conversation with leaders in the fields, maybe even surprise them. He’s absolutely right but why am I still afraid? Why do I feel like I don’t know enough or am never ready? I can ski off a cliff and maybe even throw in a 360 for show but I can’t share my thoughts and ideas with anyone.
Environmental programming is some of the hardest programming to break! It is deeply rooted within your subconscious. I would go as far as saying entrenched in your subconscious. To reprogram your subconscious programming you have to find the source of the issue and release the emotions tied to it. Then you have to re-affirm or add new programming to take its place. It takes patience, consistency and love.
There are many ways to release emotions tied to certain traumas or situations and you really have to find one that works best for you; everyone is different and has different needs. The method that I use is a combination of a few methods that I’ve picked up over the years.
I start by being in a comfortable position in a place where I will not be interrupted. I count backwards from 10 to 0. Before I begin the countdown I state that when I reach 0 I will be in a state of calmness and open to receive information. For this particular work I want to achieve an Alpha brainwave state so as I’m counting I breathe in through the mouth and out through the nose. Use full breaths. When I reach 0, I take a moment to feel the state of calmness. I visualize and/or state the emotions I want to release. I visualize these emotions leaving my body and say that they are released and no longer belong to me. When I feel like there’s nothing more to expel I begin my affirmations or reprogramming. I say to myself that I am worthy. I am powerful and connected. Connected to nature and to myself. I am a strong, confident women. I am love. I let these soak in for a bit and feel the warmth for a moment. It feels so good to be enveloped in so much love. When I am ready, I will make a statement that it’s time to count back upwards to 10 and when I reach ten I will maintain the feeling of connectedness and love and am ready to open my eyes. And so I count back up to 10.
Sometimes this needs to be done multiple times depending on how entrenched the previous programming is. I also have to consciously supervise my thoughts. Every time a negative thought pops up I acknowledge the thoughts and feelings. I say to myself “thank you for sharing but that is not the case anymore. I choose to feel and act this way instead. It’s ok and we are safe.”
For deep reprogramming I will do the same method except I will do it looking into my eyes in the mirror. This is a very powerful method. I still have some of those concerns pop up but I release them immediately and reward myself with self-love and my affirmations. Remember that it was many years of the previous programming to be so entrenched and to bury or re-direct that initial trench will take time also. Consistency is key!
Now for the other questions. Well, most of them have all been answered now. Now it’s time for physical action. I like to write down or list off all of my great qualities. When you see them on paper like that you can see how great you really are. Write out the qualities of people you admire and see how many are similar to yours. It helped me see how silly it was to doubt myself.
If I am afraid to reach out for interviews or conversations then I will just make another list of things I want to talk about. Any other time I can talk for hours about philosophies and topics of the like. I look at my huge list and giggle to myself. I definitely have topics to talk about. I have enough content that I could write many books. I need to use my imagination and pretend that I’m speaking to my best friend or partner. I used visualization techniques for my sporting events, why couldn’t I use them for other situations. They sure have been proven to work.
I am a stay-at-home mom. I’m fortunate that I am able to play that role and home-school my daughter and maintain a full-time study schedule. I am able to give time to my work and clients and family with balance. I work hard to stay physically active and in good shape, however, I still get those annoying, negative thoughts about my looks. I would feel frumpy and unattractive. So I started making a point to make sure I’m dressed with my hair done and make-up on at least 4 days per week. Not only did I start to feel better about my appearance but I started to get more compliments and attention from my husband. What a difference! I liked the feedback so much that I started doing it every day. It feels so good to look at myself in the mirror and smile. It feels great when my husband looks at me and smiles. He always thought I was beautiful but seeing me realize that I am beautiful added an extra layer of attraction. Not only did this help my self-confidence, it added an extra bit of spice to our relationship. That’s a win-win in my books!
The last question was: how can I help others see for themselves that they too can have self-confidence? Well, I hope that sharing my experiences and my methods can help. I find that not enough people talk about these struggles nor do they talk about their methods to overcome them. It’s scary and hard to look at someone who seemingly has the perfect life and ask them for help. I share my struggles and how I conquer them so that you can see that it is possible. I am human and have the same struggles as everyone else. I had to ask myself “aren’t you sick of feeling this way?!” The answer was yes! I (and you) just have to call up enough courage to face them and do something about it. If I can overcome these obstacles then so can you! You are not alone!
