Who here has dealt with or is dealing with a “Monster-in-law”? Why does this monster trigger so many emotions? If I think about it, a monster is really only a monster if you allow it to remain one within your mind. The following blog is about my realization that my “monster-in-law” really isn’t such a big monster after all.
What is a “monster-in-law”? Well, according to the Urban Dictionary the definition is as follows:
“Either a mother in-law or father in-law who is meddlesome and purposefully lives to aggravate his son’s wife or daughter’s husband. Rude, and oblivious humans who speak before they think about what they are about to say. They are critical of the cooking made by their son’s wife, or critical of the income earned by their daughter’s husband.”
If I really think about it, they are simply fear-based, traumatized people who haven’t been able to resolve their own traumas or fears. Maybe they were abandoned or mistreated by someone long ago. This can cause them to become possessive, overbearing and critical.
In my case, my mother-in-law was the monster in the closet. She could be overbearing, critical of everything, fanatical in her ways, inappropriate with her comments, afraid of any kind of change or progress and most of all, afraid of being abandoned by her sons.
I’ve said this before, one cannot study psychology without assessing one’s own psyche, and let’s face it, the psyche of the people around you too. So, assess I did.
More often than not, aspects or characteristics that you see in others that you like or don’t like are typically a mirror of aspects or characteristics of yourself that you like or don’t like (or ignore). I know, what a kick in the pants, but, if we think on it hard enough we know deep down that it’s true.
My mother-in-law is, all in all, a very kind person. She has just been so traumatized by past experiences that she lives in a constant state of fear. Fear can make people do crazy things. She was mistreated and abandoned by her husband at a young age with three boys to care for on her own. She never remarried or dated. She didn’t have much but she devoted all of her time and life to making sure the boys had everything they needed as far as food and clothing and school goes. They were her everything!
For many years her name would instantly trigger stress and annoyance in me. I would complain to my husband not realizing how much stress I was putting on his shoulders. What’s even worse is that I had influenced the other women in the boys’ lives to think and feel the same way I did and in turn they put that pressure and stress on their husbands.
I realized that I was projecting my own trauma with my mother onto her as well (just like I did with my father and biological father. See my post on parental abandonment for more details). I would never let her in deeper then platonic levels. There was no trust in her or value in her opinions. I assumed that she always had a hidden agenda.
The situation went from monster mother-in-law to monster daughter-in-law! I became the biggest monster in her closet. I, unconsciously, managed to turn all the wives against her and, when she did visit, treat her like a child. I was short and annoyed before she even arrived, let alone while she was over. I was straight up a bitch! No one deserves to be treated in such a way.
I also realized that I was relinquishing my power over my thoughts and emotions to a non existent monster. Nobody has the power to control my emotions and thoughts but me. So, I am taking my power back! I have never felt so empowered. It’s totally invigorating to step up and take control of my life.
Now that I’ve had such grand epiphany and called myself out to my husband, it’s time to repair the damage. First thing is apologize to my husband and his brothers for my part in misguiding their wives. Apologize for the extra, unnecessary stress we have put on their shoulders. I will start living by example with gratitude and love and understanding rather than annoyance and lamentation.
Next is to apologize to my mother-in-law. So I booked her a flight to come visit during the holidays. It’s a funny feeling to be looking forward to a visit with her for the first time ever. I look forward to expressing my shame in my behavior and developing a whole new relationship with her.
This new mind set is life changing and the only person who could make it happen was me. I look forward to actually including her in activities and chores and cooking supper. I feel so much lighter and free. I forgive her past misdemeanors and have a new understanding for where they come from; a hurt and traumatized person who is just seeking love and acceptance from her family. Now when I hear her name I feel compassion and love. It is incredibly relieving and empowering.
So it turns out that my monster-in-law wasn’t such a monster after all. I wonder what other monsters have been overlooked or misunderstood in my life. What about yours?
