Parental Abandonment

Physical manifestations of parental abandonment issues are popping up like daisies. I find myself wondering why/how this is happening but then I look around and see that not only are parents/couples splitting up everywhere (and sometimes for great reasons) but there is so much division within the family
units that the concept of a family unit is no longer sacred to anyone.

I understand that sometimes there are certain situations where is it better to have parental separations, especially when it comes to the safety of the child or children, but that is a whole other discussion that we might tackle another day. That is also a type of situation that I have never personally experienced and for the purpose of this blog, I will stick to experiences that I have personally overcome.

The following story will explain the version of parental abandonment that I experienced. I will share the trauma and how I learned about it as well as how I healed it and moved forward as a stronger woman and mother.

My mother was quite young when she got pregnant with me. She was in her senior year of High School and it was her High School sweetheart that was my father. I was definitely an “ooopsie baby”! She birthed me and, with the love and support of her parents, was able to finish High School and College. I’m really proud of her for making sure that she still got the education she wanted and needed so she could provide me with a good life. And a good life she did give me.

My father really struggled to want to spend time with me. I understand the mentality behind that. Fear probably being a major factor. Personal accountability is also something he lacked from what I understand. Their relationship didn’t last much longer after I was born. He would pick me up and just drop me off at his mother’s house. He came around so little that not only was I starting to forget who he was but I was starting to be afraid to go with a “strange man”. My mother recognized the damage this relationship was causing and so gave him the ultimatum to either be present consistently or get out of our lives altogether. He chose to leave. I was maybe just under 2 years old when he made his decision.

I want to pause here and remind you, the audience, that children of that age do have memory. Most think that they would be too young to remember but they do. They have sensual memory. They remember images, smells, emotions (good or bad), and especially memories of stress or trauma from the mother or primary caregiver. These memories are typically stored within the subconscious.

So the relationship between my mother and father was well over by this point. My mother was moving on with a long-time friend. She finished High School, was taking college courses and working at this point. One day the man she was dating came over to our place and I (as a 2 year old toddler) came running into the kitchen with my arms wide open shouting “Daddy Daddy”. This was the moment that this man knew he wanted to be my father and husband to my mother and so they married not long after. This is by far one of my favorite stories about my parents!

From this point on, I will be referring to this man as my father and the other as simply my biological father.

When my parents married, my mother thought that since I couldn’t even remember my biological father and thought her new husband was my father, that she would maintain the facade. She never told me what happened. I don’t blame her, she thought she was doing what was best. And let’s be honest, her new husband was my father now. He loved me, supported me, provided for and took care of me. There’s no better definition of father. He wanted me to know the truth but respected her decision and continued with being a good father.

I would like to pause a moment and point out that at this point we are dealing with abandonment from the biological father as well as dishonesty or secret keeping from the mother. Both have their effects on the subconscious and can cause trauma or program insecurities within the child. We will dive deeper into these effects later in the story.

As the years go by I started to develop a feeling that something wasn’t right. That something was missing. I was having a hard time maintaining relationships with girlfriends. I had a cousin on my father’s side that kept calling me names like “half-breed” and was quite mean to me. My grand-father on his side wanted nothing to do with me but loved my brother (my parents had a baby not long after they married). I couldn’t help but wonder what all that meant.

I started to have feelings of resentment towards my father, never knowing why I felt that way. I obviously started acting out on these feelings. I would start fights for no reason. I would accuse him of things that were non-existent. I blamed everything bad that happened to me on him. I resented him for making me do chores. I even resented him for making me practice ski tricks on jumps that he helped me build for a sport that I insisted on practicing (I used to compete in Freestyle skiing).

This lasted throughout my adolescence and teenage years. Looking back, I was straight up a bitch to him! Not just to my father but I was also pretty nasty to my mother. On top of that, I had no idea why I was acting this way. I had absolutely no reason to behave so poorly. I was angry and confused and felt guilty at the same time.

When I was at the pubescent age, I found myself complaining to one of my cousins (on my mother’s side) about how “horrible” my father was and I made a statement that I thought he wasn’t my father. She confessed that she overheard her mom (my mother’s sister) talking about this exact thing to someone. Don’t forget that at that age, I was hitting puberty. My hormones and emotions were all over the place. Not the best time to hear reality shattering news.

I thought I would confirm these rumours with an older cousin who was around during those times; she simply suggested that I ask my mother as that would be the best thing to do. Go directly to the source. So I did. I waited until my father was a work one night and straight up asked her. She spilled the beans all over the place! It was a tough conversation.

Naturally, after this conversation, my behavior worsened. I felt betrayed and lied to. How could someone who supposedly loves me lie to me about such a huge thing? Or so these were my thoughts back then. I was way too angry to even care to see things from her perspective. I acted out in every way an angry teenager typically would; dated bad boys, snuck out to go to parties, started abusing substances, to name a few ways.

I would like to take a moment to remind you that my parents were actually great parents! They are typical middle class people who believe in the structure of our society. You know the type; the only way to have a good life is to go to school, get a job, get married, get the house, and have children… I lived a pretty sheltered life and was involved in sports and school. So when I say “abused substances” I only tried cannabis a couple of times and drank alcohol here and there. I know… Super rebellious!

At this point, my parents felt as though they lost control of their child and so tried extra hard to make up for the loss. My mother even entertained the idea of me meeting my biological father. We invited him to my High-School graduation party. He came and brought his new wife and their two children. He must have been super nervous because he got so drunk that he passed out in my mothers’ flower garden. They were gone before anyone woke up the next morning. His wife, humiliated, called me to apologize later the next day. Turns out I wasn’t missing much as far as he goes. I however, do wish that my half siblings have a better experience. I feel a little guilt for never reaching out to them.

It was time to choose courses for university and I felt I had zero say in what ones I wanted to take. “That isn’t practical Robyn” or “What would you do with that in the real world Robyn?” The only course I got to choose was a psychology course which invoked the same reaction but I chose it anyways. My little form of rebellion I suppose.

Naturally I didn’t want to be there… I felt obligated to be there and I was programmed to believe that I would fail in life if I were to quit. Super conflicting. I felt that I was wasting my time doing something and paying for something that I had no passion for, so I quit. My parents were furious and threatened to have me pay rent if I were not attending school. Perfect opportunity for me to move out of their grips, so to speak. Not long after I moved to a different part of the city, I was offered an opportunity to move out west. “Yes!” I exclaimed. The perfect opportunity to cut the umbilical cord! So I spent my last dollars and flew across the country.

So there I was, on the other side of the country ready to start my own life, the way I wanted to live it. Naturally there were struggles and hardships but I was figuring it all out on my own. When I told my mother that I was not coming back she totally lost control of her emotions and went into a state of neurosis. She did years of therapy healing from my not so clean severance of the umbilical cord. I can’t help to feel some guilt over that, but at the same time, I am aware that her emotions and emotional reactions are out of my control.

Let’s fast-forward a few years. I have been dating my current husband for a few years at this point and we have a baby girl of our own. My communication with my parents is minimal. I am living a lifestyle that conflicts with their idea of suburban lifestyle which they think is the norm. Anytime I tell them about topics I’m interested in or choices we were weighing, I would receive criticism. This is where I give up on telling them anything about myself, my thoughts and ideas, or new theories I’ve learned or topics that I’m interested in. Whenever we would talk it would be simple, platonic conversation…”How’s the weather? How’s the family?” Needless to say, my relationship with my parents has become mundane and platonic. This truly broke my heart!

It was around the age of 25 that I re-stumbled on to the topic of psychology. I dove in head first! I have spent the last 11 years (at the time of writing this post) studying various types of psychology, psychopathology, meta-psychology, metaphysical anatomy, neuro-linguistic programming and more.

A person CANNOT study psychological topics without having to re-assess their own psyche and actions! So re-assess I did.

I realized that it wasn’t my father that I was angry at. I was angry at my biological father for abandoning me. I also equated sex with affection. If they have affection for me then maybe they won’t abandon me (this caused an unhealthy relationship with sex which I will discuss in an upcoming post).

I realized that I had a hard time maintaining relationships with women because I didn’t trust them. I felt that I would end up controlled or misled by them. I am currently surrounded by women who love me but I have never let them in fully. I have always had a wall built up around myself as I expected criticism or disappointment from them. This is due to my mother keeping secrets from me as well as living vicariously through me and when I would not meet her expectations there would be criticism and disappointment. I lacked a sense of self-worth as every time I would try something new or on my own, I would receive criticism and/or disappointment.

There was an overload of issues to tackle. I chose to start with one issue at a time and go from there.

I started with the way I treated my father.

My relationship with my parents was well enough that we flew myself and my daughter to NB so she could spend a week or so with her grandparents. I was just escorting her there and back to AB (at the time). Fredericton has a small airport and the next flight out wasn’t until the next day so I had the evening to spend with my family.

There was a point where it was just myself and my father sitting on their deck having a drink when I started confessing my new findings and understandings of my childhood behavior. I apologized to him for the way I acted and treated him. I apologized for taking my anger out on him when it wasn’t his fault. I explained how I was angry at my biological father and mother.

I expressed how good of a father he truly was. I thanked him for supporting me in all of my extracurricular sports and activities. I thanked him for all the practical skills he taught me. I apologized for not appreciating it when I was a child. I thanked him for loving me and caring for a child that wasn’t biologically his. That is a rare thing these days. I asked for his forgiveness for the way I behaved. We both cried and let out pent up feelings with love. He forgave me and we hugged and giggled over the tears and the whole conversation.

I’m not totally sure about him, but I had a major internal shift resulting in feelings of elation. This issue has been resolved. I felt as though a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. I realized that not only did I need his forgiveness but I needed to forgive myself.

And now my time as a “Daddy’s girl” has begun! I smile every time I see he has texted or called. I look forward to spending more time with him rather than lamentation of it.

That was the easy one. Asking for forgiveness for behaviors is one thing. I had major confliction as to how I would deal with the trauma from my mothers’ secrecy and vicariousness. I remembered how I felt when I inadvertently put her into a state of neurosis. I knew that I would have to be careful as to how I went about it.

I figured that I should get the easy stuff out of the way and so when I had a moment alone with her, I apologized for my horrible behavior and how I acted out. I explained how confused and angry I was as a child and misdirected all that energy. I asked for forgiveness for the behavioral misdemeanors. I thought it wasn’t necessary at the time to bring up the deeper issues. I didn’t want to push too deep out of fear of her reaction. She forgave my indiscretions and we both had tears in our eyes and hugged and giggled over the whole conversation. That felt better! Now what about the rest? I feel better but still unresolved.

I filed this thought somewhere in the back of my mind thinking that a solution would present itself to me later. It was so easy with my father! Why is it so hard with my mother? Why am I so afraid?

It took some time and more studying and meditation, but, as I was looking in the mirror, I realized that it wasn’t her forgiveness that I was looking for. It was mine! I needed to forgive her. I also needed to forgive myself. Talk about a breakthrough! Ok so now what do I do? The only person who can help me is me.

This brings us to the present. I have been taking my time with this one. The ripple effects of the trauma have expanded further then I realized. I have to ask myself some difficult questions. Is there something that I’m gaining or benefiting from by not confronting this “dragon”, so to speak? The obvious answer is that then I don’t have to deal with it. I would never have to feel vulnerable or disappointed. I also know that it would be even worse to continue to suppress the emotions surrounding it. Then they will just build up more and more and possibly manifest physically in my body. No! That’s not the solution. Let’s work through this one together.

What are my emotions surrounding this? How far back do these emotions go? What would my life look like if I no longer carried these emotions?

These are tough questions to ask myself. They are even tougher to answer. The biggest feeling was the feeling of being unworthy of a veil less relationship with women. I think this is the root to the weed of emotions surrounding my mother. If I let go of that feeling then I wouldn’t be afraid to reach out to influential women. I wouldn’t be afraid to commence new friendships. I have longed for influential, female comradery for a while now but have never reached out because of a fear of being unworthy or let down.

Coming to this realization is exciting! It’s time to let go of these negative emotions surrounding my mother and her actions, which are out of my control. The only thing that I have full control of is how I react to situations and persons. I can’t erase the past or situations that have already happened. That is impossible. What I can do is let go of the emotions surrounding it. Letting go of these emotions may not be instantaneous but can be fairly fast. As long as I have found the root of the problems.

NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) work is different for everyone. You have to be very careful when reprogramming neuro-pathways and speaking with your subconscious. You are basically putting yourself, or, being put in a state of hypnosis where you speak directly with your subconscious.

So I will put myself into an Alpha brainwave state, which is a great state for emotional healing. The best way to achieve this is with breath work; breathe in through the mouth and out through the nose. Be sitting or lying somewhere comfortable and quiet. You don’t want interruptions. Breathe in deeply and out deeply 5 – 10 times or however long it takes to feel the shift and a state of calmness. I like to count backwards from 5 or 10 and I state that when I reach 0, I will be in the alpha state and calm and relaxed. When the Alpha brainwave state has been reached I will make a statement (backed by conviction and belief) that my negative feelings from those events are released. They are no longer mine. They no longer belong to me (I also visualize those energies leaving or being sent outward).

I know… This sounds crazy but it works. Then I will make my affirmations. “I am worthy of fulfilling relationships. I see the good and forthrightness in people, in women. I am courageous. I am strong. I am loving and loved. I am connected.”

It is different for everyone and every situation but for me, in this instance, this works.

So let’s recap… I have released the negative emotions out to the universe. They do not belong to me anymore. I have begun to reprogram my subconscious with NLP work. I already feel elated. I will repeat as many times as necessary but for me at the moment; so far so good. If I feel myself questioning these new programs or old thought patterns come up then I will do a simple trick; count backwards from 5. It’s a great thought pattern reset. Then reaffirm the new programming.

Remember that we are in the present time in the story. I am doing this work as I write this blog. Now I have feelings of elation and excitement to improve my already existing friendships and to make new ones. I will write an update post on the results of my inner work in the next few months as this is currently an ongoing process.

That was my experience with parental abandonment. Shadow work is extremely difficult work which isn’t talked about enough. I also find that even fewer people honestly or candidly talk about overcoming these challenges. This blog is about real experiences and real solutions. It is also about sharing concepts and theories in a safe environment. We all have our challenges. I want to help others overcome theirs.